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Top 10 non-culinary uses for cheese

No one can deny that cheese is great for eating. What many don’t realize is its amazing versatility in non-food applications. Presenting…

10. Paper Weight: Cheese is heavy. Exploit that. Plus, what a conversation starter! (“Hey, is that a Gouda on your briefs?”)
9. Personal Fragrance for the Anti-Social: Dab a little Stinking Bishop behind your ears and you’ll never sit next to someone on the Metro again. Make it your signature scent and avoid the “So, what do you do?” question at cocktail parties.
8. Door Stop: A block o’ Emmenthaler will get the job done – and I challenge you to find another door stop that you can eat if truly desperate.
7. Outdoor Party Saver: If you think humans love cheese, you should see flies! At your next outdoor event, place a super-ripe Epoisses in a far corner and the critters will be hypnotized. Expensive, but effective.
6. Candle Holder: Traditional candle sticks are just so obvious. Instead, embed your taper in a lovely piece of Cotswold. By the end of the evening, the candle has melted and – VOILA! – you have wax-covered cheese for aging!
5. Home Deodorizer (or really, a Home Odorizer): There’s nothing like hearing your guests exclaim, “Wow – what died in here?!” I recommend Chimay for maximum impact. Then, to enhance that welcoming feeling, simply respond, “Hmmm… I didn’t smell anything until you arrived.”
4. Place Card Holder: If you’re going to make people sit next to strangers, at least do it with Stilton.
3. “Naughty” Christmas Penalty: You think coal is undesirable in your stocking? How about a big hunk of fireplace-warmed Gorgonzola? Forget Elf on a Shelf – with this approach, your kids will never misbehave again.
2. All-Natural Face Mask: Simply smear on some Chevre and read your favorite magazine. Enzymes will exfoliate. Minerals will nourish. Oils will moisturize. By the end, your face will be softer than – and smell somewhat like – a baby’s bottom.
1. Good-Natured Prank: Summertime. Limburger. Glove compartment. Need I say more?